The Ground Keeps Pulling

World With Out End

2009-05-08T12:46:00.002-04:00

I wonder how many blogs exist for the sheer purpose of struggling with death. There are volumes written on the subject. And yet it seems as though we can't get to the bottom of it. I know I can't. We keep losing spouses, children, and parents to death. I see their inanimate bodies in caskets and wonder where they've gone. It's just a shell, it's not them. They have disappeared and I feel like I will never see them again. Heaven is so intangible, but it's the best we can do when talking about where they are now. I can't picture it, I can't fathom this place where they are supposedly alive and whole. How can they be? When my body is so material and alive. If they are really alive, what am I? This physical life, right here, right now, is all I know and I can't seem to wrap my head around the possibility of anything outside of it. I am afraid that we all will just cease to exist. I have been afraid that death is the end. The night my mom died in the ER, I called my friend Kevin whose specialty is Metaphysics and I asked him where my Mom is now. I just wanted him to tell me that while we are material beings, there is still a part of her that is still alive. But he refused to talk metaphysics with me. He just kept trying to get me to grieve the moment and to stop using my brain to avoid the pain. I didn't realize he had been doing that until recently.

Even though I want to just figure it all out in my head, to make it make sense, I am trying to let my heart be more involved. And when I do, this song makes sense:

"For all the deepest thought compiled, philosophy to laws of physics,
no one's ever heard or seen, a more beautiful thing, than this love that saved us.

In the soundless awe and wonder, words fall short to hope again.
How beautiful, how vast your love is, new forever, world without an end.

The very spark that burns the stars, drew near to me today,
the God of everything that is, whispered in my ear that His love is boundless."

I forgot how beautiful the gospel really is. The sheer magnitude of what has been done for us and the promise of what is to come. We are citizens of a kingdom that will never end. Death is not the end, it does not have the final word in the story. It is just the pause between now and then. The last time I listened to this song, I wept because of my own disability to believe what it was talking about. This song shuts me up. It makes me stop trying to rationalize and intellectualize all the things I can't understand. My words have been useless. It lifts my eyes out from the mud I have been walking in, to the vastly open skies and sunshine. Did I ever tell you that I used to be a worship leader at my church back home? I was, and I loved it. It's been a long time since I can say I have honestly worshiped. I think listening to this song today was the first time in 4 years.

"How beautiful, how vast your love is, new forever, world with out an end."

Positivity: my nose is half stuffed up

2009-02-28T10:10:00.005-05:00

I am having one of those mornings where my nose is half stuffed, and slightly irritated on the left side. To the point of chronic sneezing. I am pretty sure that all of the pregnancy sinus stuff has messed me up for good. I mean this is like a permanent sinus infection....the rest of my life I will be blowing my nose and having trouble falling asleep. Because I need to breathe through my nose to fall asleep.

Silas just went to sleep. He was crying and fussing in his exersaucer so I thought he just wanted to be held. But no. He kept on crying and fussing so I took him in his room and rocked him, but the fussing would not stop. I finally needed to blow my nose (above paragraph), so I put him in his crib and went and did my business. Luckily, he seems to like his crib and his mobile. Unfortunately he had peed all over his swaddle blanket earlier this morning. So I just snuggled him up in a little classic pooh fluffy blanket and gave him his pacifier. Oh and his security blanket of course. And that seemed to do the trick. I walked out of sight and listened to him coo at his mobile and after a few short bursts of fussing, he put himself to sleep. Good baby. I hope all my children are this easy.

10 o'clock on a Saturday and all is well. I really should be getting a few things done. But it's nice to actually have time to write a bit. and not about something depressing or theological either.

I am not really celebrating Lent this year. Not because I don't want to, I just haven't been at church in weeks so I missed all the build up to it this year. I didn't want to be one of those people who gives something up just because there is a church tradition that says you are supposed to. I mean, I guess I could do that. Although, the last couple of years when I am not fully engaged with my church and I try to do lent, I never stick to it. I always find a convenient excuse. Like the year I tried to quit smoking for lent and then Mom died and I just chain smoked for the next 3 months. Oops, nothing depressing. Sorry.

Maybe that's my lent this year. Stop being so damn depressing. Or at least negative. I love to analyze the crap out of everything. I just had a conversation with my co-workers about this, how your attitude and emotions effect your physical health. I said I didn't want to become a crotchety old woman with ulcers who sits around and tells everyone what's wrong with the world. I prefer to think of my old years as peaceful and joyful, but I need to start practicing that now and not put it off. Like eating right and exercise, being positive is just a way of life, a life style. So, my lent is about adopting a positive outlook and making it a lifestyle. I limit myself to 1 negetive conversation per day (let's be realistic, there are just too many things to bitch about to rule out all negativity). The rest of 'em will be positive, grateful, and generally optimistic. My goal is to really piss someone off to the point where they distainfully say "you're one of those glass-is-half-full people aren't you?" Now that would be a real change.

Okay, I am now going to clean the apartment before Silas wakes up.

Heaven

2009-01-30T15:28:00.005-05:00

"I want to add to the beauty, I want to tell a better Story..."

We all believe a story. About ourselves, God, business, the environment, culture. We actually encounter different stories with every commercial we see, every sermon we hear, every book we read, every podcast we listen to. There are as many stories as there are people to tell them. There are also predominant stories that shape our society and culture. The story that we have unlimited needs that can only be met by consumption, Corporations love to tell us that as many times per day as possible. YOU NEED THIS. or else your life will be boring, disorganized, miserable, a mess. And we believe these stories are true. We believe all kinds of stories. and We live them out.

Some stories conflict with others and some are easier to believe. It feels like there is more evidence to support one than the other. But just because a story is hard to believe, less attractive, or seems to have less evidence, doesn't mean it's not true or less true. Maybe these things mean that it's possibly more true, or more rewarding if we choose to believe anyway.

I know a story that's hard to believe, has little evidence, and, at first, seems less than attractive. But it's also beautiful and full of hope. I have been told that if you believe this story is true, it's the best possible way to live. It is the life you were meant to live, you were made for this.

but it's so hard...

Heaven is a nice story. but I struggle with death. Some how I have trouble understanding what happens after we die. I think we cease to exist. I guess deep down I don't believe that the story of heaven is true.

I've been told that we go somewhere else with lots of clouds, or limbo and wait for Jesus to come back. But that we are unaware of it and our death is the moment of our awakening in the new creation. I don't know how to believe that. All i know of death is that one moment you are here and then next you are gone and all that's left is your body, inanimate. And all your years of struggling to get things right and be fulfilled are finished. I don't have a sense of completion with death. I have a sense of incompletion, like it's been cut short.

In the movie Meet Joe Black, death comes to take a man who has lived a full, "successful" life. The movie does offer a sense of completion. His family will be taken care of, his life's work will be preserved. He has no regrets. But if life is so great, how can he be okay with leaving? I don't really understand how to let go of the things I love so easily. I love my life too much. Or I am at least terrified of not existing anymore.

I wonder where my mom is and what she knows now that I don't.

Backward

2008-09-19T11:16:00.000-04:00

Some times, before you can go forward you have to go backward. All the way back to where you started this crazy journey; the journey away from whatever you thought was holding you back or out of whatever box you found yourself hiding in.

In October 2005 I found myself in a scary place built on a lot of assumptions about who I was, what the world was, and who God was within it. Worse yet, I had been fairly certain of where I was heading and how my life ideally would play out. In October 2005 all of that crumbled into a heaping pile of rubble around my feet. I was surrounded by a million unknowns and unanswered questions. My bold optimism and belief faltered and I cannot remember a time when the world seemed so cold, cavernous, and chaotic. I had no control and I was beginning to doubt that God did either.

Many people have participated in the drama that unfolded from that point on. I lost a lot of people physically and emotionally during that time. But I knew I had to go through this even if I lost everyone. So I struck out on my apathetic journey and found that a loss of faith ultimately leads to a loss of hope, which leads to death, either physically or spiritually. I died a spiritual death and have been dying in lots of ways ever since. But, as with all stories where Jesus is involved, Death leads to Resurrection. I have been waiting for Resurrection for a long time. and I still am...

I want to boldly and confidently claim that I have come full circle, and that I am once again standing firmly in a faith that has sustained me all along (even without me knowing it). I would be telling you a good story and probably something you want to hear. However, I find that after all this time and all this struggle, I am no closer to certainty and no closer to the optimism that sustained my faith before. The world changed some how and so did I. Understanding the gospel within that new context has been like walking through mud for me. But I am still walking through it because I can't help but hope that some day I will understand and I will see what all this mess was for.

It's almost October 2008, I am now married and I will be having a son on October 12th. I am hoping for a glimmer of resurrection in all these good things. I am hoping for hope to find me so that I can believe that things can be new again. I need hope to find me so that I can feel like things are possible again. I need to believe that He never let go even if I did.

David Crowder wrote on his album A Collision (or 3 +4 =7) concerning the song Soon...Be Lifted or Hope Rising:
“this song begins with a sample from a record entitled “‘let my people go’ black spirituals/african drums”. we have titled this sample, “soon...”. it is very old. it was recorded during an era where even sounding african american on an african american record was socially unacceptable. this record was an attempt at historic documentation of black spirituals but you listen and you hear these beautifully rich voices trying their utmost to sound sanitary and caucasian so as not to offend. early black spirituals and bluegrass music share much of the same content and context. most of it is eschatological in orientation, a longing for zion, getting out of here, on to the sweet by and by, etc.... i used to be troubled by this as much of my efforts in embodying the christian faith center on bringing the kingdom of heaven into the here and now rather than postponing it, until these songs were viewed against the backdrop of historical elements from which they were birthed. there was no experience of present life known other than oppression and death and fear and toil. there was no shred of hope for anything other than deliverance and deliverance into the ever after was a more realistic, tangible hope than was deliverance to come in the here and now flesh and blood and sweat of living. there was nothing here other than pain and it’s balm was hope and this hoping in a sense actually did bring the kingdom of god into the here and now. there are sometimes moments in life so full of fury the only residence of redemption to be found is in the lifting of our heads, with our feet still in the dirt of the earth, to fix our gaze on the heavens.”

Eyes on the skies....

Grow a pair

2008-09-16T10:45:00.005-04:00

In several interaction that I have had recently (with men) it seems to be permissible that they can say whatever they want and when you try to give an honest rebuttal they make a joke in an effort to dodge the issue. If you try and direct them back to the issue they get defensive ("geez, I was just joking around, why do you have to take everything so seriously?"). I do believe that they are threatened and scared to proceed simply because they know what they said in the first place was wrong, unfounded, or illogical. The second scenario is when they take something you have said and begin their response with "You know what's funny?" from which they proceed to provide their poor argument through generalizations. Yeah, it's sooooo funny. And offensive.

All I have to say is "grow a pair". If you want to respond to something I have written then put it out there and stand by it. Be prepared to defend your argument, I won't just roll over when some one is responding to my thoughts. Don't hide behind "funny" generalizations; develop an opinion and learn how to express it from your own point of view. Half the time, I think people are just responding to things because they think it's an easy target for getting-off their brains. Mental masterbation. Well, news flash: you don't need to prove anything. If you are having a bad day or feel like crap about yourself, don't try and aleviate your pain by demeaning someone else. I think we should have grown out of that by now.

Here's a few tips on how to engage in an actual debate:
1. Acknowledge the other person's perspective on the subject (you don't need to agree or validate it, you do need to communicate that you were listening and understand what they are trying to say).
2. Don't start your response with "You know what's funny?" or "That's interesting...". All you need to say is, "Here's what I think..."
3. Don't make generalizations, if you want to express an opinion, you should be prepared to take responsibility for your own thoughts. Use the word "I", it's okay, you can express yourself.
4. If you are being sarcastic, it's pretty safe to assume that your position is not worth engagement. It's too difficult to offer a serious opinion to a person who is obviously not willing to take you or the subject seriously enough to treat it with straight forward thought.
5. Don't make assumptions. Or at least have the balls to name your assumptions.

and that's all I have to say about that right now. God, help me take my own advice.

Vows

2008-08-27T11:35:00.003-04:00

Evidently some one really liked our wedding vows, and so at Kevin's request I am posting them here for you all to read. I guess we tried to cover our bases. I read a lot of different vows online before sitting down and writing these. The generic ones I read didn't seem to adequately capture our views on marriage and Jesus. Plus, we had done an exercise with our premarital counselor where we wrote down the things that were important to us in marriage. We blended our thoughts together and came up with these vows. I think my brother described them as intentional and thorough. Haha, whatever that means. I will leave that up to you to decipher.

John/Christi,
I love you for who you are and for all the ways that you show me Jesus in the world around us. I promise to show you love in the best way that I know how and to continue relearning what it means to lay down my life for you. I promise to lay down my ways, my desires, and my agenda so that you can experience the life that God intended for us to live. I promise to love you with respect, compassion and equality to make our marriage a picture of what God intended for creation and as an example of bringing heaven to earth. I promise to challenge you, empower you, and to help you grow to see yourself, God, and the world in new ways. I promise to be kind to you, to encourage you, and remain loyal to you no matter the circumstances. I promise to celebrate life with you and to live it well until we pass away or Jesus returns.

Giving Rocks Voices

2008-07-17T12:31:00.004-04:00

I got married a few weeks ago and I am think I am finally starting to let things sink in. The decision to get married wasn't difficult at all, we were excited to start a new life together. And I am not even hinting that this has changed for me at all. I am still excited, I am still loving sharing everyday life with another person. Mostly, it comes down to my own deficiencies becoming obvious in this new context. I realize so much about my own ungrateful nature and how I tend to allow myself to feel victimized by circumstances. I am amazed everyday as I walk to my bus stop how easy it is to feel sorry for myself and the fact that I don't drive to work. I dwell on my sniffling nose, sore feet, and weighed down body. I obsess about how everything I eat gives me heart burn, even my vitamins, which you would think were supposed to make me feel better. I have a laundry list of physical and mental injustices that I suffer from daily. I feel so justified in being miserable about them. And yet, I am married and my mood effects my husband's mood. He is constantly trying to make me feel better, but he can't. These things are issues that can be solved. They are just facts, ailments, and inconveniences that simply ARE. Whether or not I make myself a victim of them is purely up to me. Making good attitude choices is hard for me. I am naturally pessimistic, and it's easy to give in rather than to intentionally direct myself. But when I see it effect another person, I start to see things a little differently. I notice more and more that all the things I call injustices are actually blessings. I would not feel like crap all the time if I wasn't pregnant, but pregnancy is such a blessing. There are so many women I know who can't get pregnant or are married to a guy who doesn't want kids yet. I think the bottom line for most of my issues is that there are people out there who would kill to have my life, and I treat it as though it's a tremendous burden. I am always looking to be some where other than where I am. Why can't I be happy with where I am at? Why is it so hard to accept the bad along with the good?

Could it be that our ability to have gratitude is tied to our relationship with God? When I forget to thank God for what he has done or when I forget to praise him, it shows up in my life in miserable ways. It's a heart condition. When I worship, I condition my heart, position it toward God. That conditioning and positioning influences the lens through which I view my world. In my silence toward God, I stifle my ability to acknowledge His goodness all around me, and I miss out on all the blessings because I can't see them for what they are. Good.

I wonder if we're gonna ever get home (or a response to Kevin)

2008-04-17T09:49:00.005-04:00

In response to Kevin Corcoran's post here.
I guess my gut level question has more to do with this separation that you see between Philosophical and Cultural pomo and how you see the general apathy of my generation fitting in between those things. I feel like it is all very connected and that the philosophical influences the cultural and the cultural some how affects the personal thought life of individuals. But maybe the idea of the individual is very pomo as well. I guess in more specific terms I think about the symptoms of pomo in history and how that influenced they way we worked, consumed, raised our families, and how we thought of ourselves as individuals. Then all the after affects of divorce, debt, and the general apathy of my siblings (spanning from 24-34). We are one of the most pomo families I know. Very open and knowledgeable, but cynical, apathetic, and nihilistic. I don't know, I guess in my mind we are products of a time period that produced many people like us. We do brilliant things like invent iphones, we are optimistic about our technology, but we are too wounded to really believe in anything we can't put our hands on.

You see, where Emergents feel really optimistic about pomo leading to more open and tolerant dialogue (which I agree, it can), there is also this dreadful sense that things are just a mess (we inherited from previous generations) and it's some how up to us to fix things on our own. God can't help us because he has let us down (theodicy). We are alone, isolated, and are carrying an impossible burden/task. Whatever is "good" about life is just an accent note to the tremendous strain of pushing the boulder up the hill. What do we say then? Other than argue the nature of God and the importance of the story (because selecting a story is an arbitrary process). The blessings of pomo don't naturally result in the existence of God or the story being true. In the end we are left to choose faith, but are left with very little to convince us that that is a good idea. I mean, how much pain and disappointment can we really deal with? What do you do with people that are so wounded that they don't know how to risk belief?

That was a more touchy/feely post and much less academic than what you wrote. But those are my questions.

Souls(?) aren't built of stone(?)

2007-09-24T11:51:00.000-04:00

I don't know what it was about yesterday, but I spent the whole day on my porch after church, which was awesome. I just wrote in my journal all day, something I haven't done in a while. It was therapeutic and paralyzing in a good way. I felt like I could hear myself breathing, like I hadn't breathed in a while.

Anyway, I was reflecting as usual and I thought about a few things:

1) Doug Pagitt's failure to dive into the subject we (Kevin and I) were most interested in (the divergence of theology at the point where the gospel began to be spread to the gentiles) at Mars Hill that morning. There are a lot of differences in the varieties of Christianity that exist today, and it seems like a lot of that has to do with the Hebrew versus the Greek understanding of God, Creation, Man, Heaven, Death, etc. I don't feel like I have ever gotten a solid explanation of the points where the two diverge or intersect. I have developed this bizarre mishmash between the two in the last three years that is in desperate need of some sorting out. Which led to...
2) How I don't really believe Rob Bell's idea that creation is evolving toward Shalom. This doubt of mine being based in my own extremely limited perspective and experience, which is all I have to work with for the most part anyway. It doesn't seem true to me that we are evolving toward shalom, that implies that things would be getting better, and well, I just don't have any evidence on my plate to lead me to believe that that is true. Things either get worse and we recover, or things just change and that only means they are different, not qualitative.
3)...and I thought about how it seems like there is no good reason to trust God, except for stories about rescue and sacrifice, which don't seem too apparent in my current experience. God is either incapable, unwilling, or unsympathetic, unless God is none of those things, which means I officially have no box for him. But how do we trust things we can't put into boxes? I am pretty sure we are taught from a young age to test things to see if they are trust worthy, even the Bible says to do that, and yet the mantra in Christianity seems to be that we can't test God, that God is unknowable, but we just have to trust God anyway. What the heck? I am so confused. How the hell am I supposed to trust in someone who is unknowable? Why would anyone with a brain, in good mental health ever choose God? It makes no sense. Unless, I actually choose to believe the story is true. But then I am led back to my first question of "Which story?"
4) So then, somehow, I got to the idea of being a material being and what that means in life and death. If I am all material then when I die, I will, for a moment, cease to exist. I say for a moment because I am assuming that time and space collapse and we are instantly taken to the time and place where Christ has returned for his reign (depending on the story), which will be a lot like this. That doesn't seem like much fun. I don't want Heaven to be anything like this place, and yet I am supposed to find new ways of living in this world with the assumption that because of Jesus, we never have to stop living. An idea that sounds nice, but seems like a brutal lie as a materialist, because Death is still coming for all of us at some point. We are all going to die a physical death (And if you are a materialist, that means all of you will be dead). So how do we never have to stop living if we are all going to experience death? Maybe this all goes back to the Hebrew versus Greek stories thing.

Anyway:
"I'm so sorry I've been so down.
I started doubting things could ever turn around.
And I began to believe that all we are is material.
It's nonsensical." ~Switchfoot, "4:12" (Oh, Gravity!)

U2 and OTR

2007-07-03T14:33:00.001-04:00

"Hello from Nowhere Farm,

It's a cool, bright summer morning, a delicious breeze is bending the locust trees, three hummingbirds are hovering around Karin's feeder here on the back porch, Elroy is stretched out at my feet, Shakey, our Weimarnaer, is off exploring. The chipping sparrows have another nest with three grouchy baby birds in the little potted pine on our porch, just a foot or so to the right of the porch swing. My father said that on the Amish farm of his childhood, the chipping sparrows would line their perfectly round little nests with horsetail hair. We don't have horses (in spite of the fact that various locals have offered to give us their gentle old mares, donkeys etc) so when we see the chipping sparrows building their nests, I give Elroy a good brushing and leave the fur in the yard. Sure enough, their nests are always lined with his black and white hair, the baby sparrows nestled in a black and white Great Dane quilt. We save the Elroy-lined nests for our Christmas tree.

And we've had goldfinches this summer - sometimes 6 or 8 at a time in flight together, extravagant in the sun. And the bobwhite quail always come in close to nest in the golden rod and the blackberries. We leave plenty of wild patches for them. We hear them calling back and forth much of the time. Shakey has turned into a world-class frisbee dog. We whip the frisbee as far as we can through the maples and Shakey does his Derek Jeter routine and somehow always makes us look good, as he rarely fails to make the catch running at full Weimaraner tilt. (He usually manages to grab about three feet of air for effect.) Then he circles back with doleful eyes, ears flapping with satisfaction, drops the frisbee at our feet and sits and points with his front, right, bird dog paw up, waiting for the next throw.

The moon has been full, and a few nights ago I took a midnight bike ride along the back roads, through the moonlight drenched fields, the moon tagging along over my shoulder, my lungs full of night air. That has to be the holiest light on earth. The coyotes have been howling down in the creek the last few nights, restless with the sacredness of it all.
Saturday night, we were driving out of Chicago, and that big moon was asserting itself over the skyline, ducking behind the John Hancock building, following us home, an excessive, glowing, communion wafer. We are so grateful that we can work from city to city and then return home to the farm to these expanses of quiet, wake up with our coffee and each other, a little breakfast, the everywhere bird song, the breeze, the trees, the sky. And very little else… And at the end of the day, as you may well know, when it comes to Nowhere Farm, we grow songs.

The Trumpet Child is Coming Soon. Driving home recently, we were talking about balance. How we want to increasingly live in the moment. No past. No future. Only now. How we want to be thankful for all we've been given and nurture a warm intererior Yes. We are able to support ourselves with our music, we are able to make the records that we choose to make, we are blessed with opportunities to take our music around the world and pass it around, we are surrounded by many good, supportive people. We never want to take any of it for granted. And yet on the other hand, we want to remain hungry. We want to be open to going deeper. We don't want to settle. We want to do the work that is required of us, work that will allow us to step more fully into our shoes as songwriters. We want to grow.

I was talking to a friend a few days ago, a music manager who's been around the block, who's observed Over the Rhine for many years since the very early days of the band. He said, Linford, Nobody gets bigger 18 years into their career. This is crazy. Look what's happening with Over the Rhine! We had a good laugh and traded a few stories. But the good news is, Karin and I do believe we're still growing as writers. We do feel like our story is still unfolding. We do feel like we're caught up in something. And if we quit believing that, we'll come back to the farm and put the guitars in their cases and get on with the rest of our lives. We don't want to waste anybody's time. In the meanwhile, we're up for what's next. It's all happening."

That's what I want. Why is it so hard to wrap our hands around? Am I looking in the wrong places? Aligning my life improperly? I just want to find this balance between working and living and enjoying both in balance. I want to feel like what I do matters no matter how small. I want to be grateful, I want to grow, I want to feel like its all happening. I remember feeling that way before I came to Calvin. Ever since I got here, I can't seem to get back to what I had. I feel like I lost it all along with so many other things over the last three years. As I write this, U2 is singing "I still haven't found what I'm looking for." And now "With or Without You" is starting and I remember that before something can live, something has to die. I think I am scared to ask what that is. I am so scared of losing more than I already have, it hasn't gotten any easier to accept that we are asked to lay down everything for Jesus. In fact, I feel like the older I get, the harder it becomes. "My hands are tied, my body bruised, you got me with nothing to win and nothing left to lose. and you give yourself away, you give yourself away. With or without you, I can't live with or without you." I think the reason why we love U2 songs so much is because most of them are sung from the pit, which is where we find ourselves most often. We feel beaten and have nothing left to lose, and we are met by Jesus who continues to give himself away to us and for us. He serves us by giving himself away. and because of that we can experience hope and well... maybe even resurrection.

Smile Like You Mean It...

2007-06-09T16:40:00.000-04:00

Do you have a song that when ever you hear it you automatically flip into nostalgia mode? For me, every time I hear "Smile Like You Mean It" by The Killers its like my brain flips into reverse and I am suddenly lost in thought on all the things that have led up to this point. Now I love to sit back and take stock of my life from time to time, I mean that is what this entire blog has been about, taking an inventory of where things sit and how I am processing them. But today, I was sitting at the Kava House, enjoying my Chai shake, book, and ipod when suddenly there it was, that damn song, and I am swiftly pulled backward into a lot of things that currently I would rather not reflect on. Its not really like me to be adverse to retrospective thought, I am pretty sure it is the source of most of my better writing, but right now things are sooooooo good and I don't want to think about what it cost to get here. But that damn song came on and now I don't feel as though I have much of a choice; to not indulge this would probably be to my detriment as remembering is part of what makes me a complete human being.

So, what am I pulled back to at this point in my life? Well, its been a strange couple of months. I started dating someone, I graduated from college, I moved into a new apartment, and I started working a lot more for my job at Spout.com. Its actually kind of unbelievable, I just never thought things could ever be this calm, enjoyable, and just generally good. I have little to nothing to complain about. Sure, my car got totalled a few weeks ago and it has changed my social flexibility, but other than that, its all really great. Its bittersweet without Mom, but I know she is still a part of all this in someway. "So, if things are so good, why bother blogging, depression-girl?"

Well, partly because my buddy Simon is harassing me to blog, and partly because there is something missing in my life that usually stimulates these blog times. Yes, The Killers' song, but also I guess I am missing that tension that keeps me hanging in the balance between all that is good and all that is just too hard to reconcile. tension. Basically, when there is none, I know something is wrong. Not that I am so nihilistic that I need something to be wrong all the time, but I would have to say that if I am following Jesus then things shouldn't necessarily be hunky-dory. Following Jesus is hard, it leads me into situations and decisions that cost me a lot, because the world is a screwed up place and needs a lot of people who are willing to give it all up. I know when I feel the tension in my gut that Jesus is walking next to me, and when I don't feel that tension, well, I guess I get a little worried that I haven't been paying attention, I haven't been looking at people and situations and throwing myself into the storm of possibility. And its when I am in that storm that I know I am alive and I can see Jesus clearly doing what He said He was going to do. I miss that right now, but I don't know how to have that again. I guess I am just waiting for a Risk. Something that will require too much of me, will ask me to give up on pleasantry and sentiment and happiness to launch into something that is beyond what I am comfortable, capable, or prepared to do. I want something so much bigger than myself to come along and swallow me up. Its what I am here for and if it never comes,.... well, I guess I could just hang out on this planet for the rest of my life going through the motions of existence, but really I would rather just not be here at all. Honestly, I am growing impatient for it. Jesus has a storm out there for me, its somewhere, I just don't know where to find it, but I want to chase after it and throw myself directly into its path.

Mud Pies

2007-04-03T19:51:00.000-04:00

I have been remembering a C.S. Lewis quote a lot this week. "Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased"(The Weight of Glory). I think about the things I want: a House, a Car, a Dog, a Job, Clothing, Food, all the media my little heart desires...the list could go on. But its not that I simply want those things, I guess most people do, its more that I want really nice versions of all of it. These are like Platonic "Goods" that I am chasing, I am not even sure they exist. And regardless, they are all mud pies. I picture myself sitting in the dirt, holding up my mud pie to Jesus and all He can do is look at me with sadness because he knows what I do not, that I could be making sandcastles; big brilliant kingdoms. I have settled for wanting status symbols. I want to want more. I want to be a whole hearted creature. I want to strongly desire infinite joy. I want to stop fooling around with piddly little stuff that promises things that it can't deliver. I am tired of being easily pleased.

But I am grateful. I started a great job last week, which I am hoping will take away a lot of my financial anxiety. Of course it can't be erradicated, but anything would be better than just getting by. And on top of that, its a job in my Major. AAAAAAAaaaaaahhhhhhhh! I am really blessed. Plus, I was accepted to a Masters Program. Sure, its not Ivy league or anything, but I am just thrilled to be getting a masters period. There aren't too many people in the world who even have that opportunity. Its simply nuts when you think about it. I am overcome or as I said to a friend earlier today "my cup runneth over" :) Its been a long time since I have had so much good stuff happen to me. I am trying to remember the last time, but I am forgetful. I know its all grace, its not warranted, derserved, or earned. God isn't handing me these things because I have done anything good. He is just handing them to me because He loves me and He is taking care of me and this is part of the next phase of who I am becoming. But I am grateful, nontheless. I am scared too, of the responsiblity, of the hidden burdens, of the challenges and all the things that I am preparing to leave behind. There is always a lot to lose. However, it seems that all the things that I am truely intested in gaining in this life are not possible without some kind of loss. All growth is a shedding of things that are non-essential or counter-productive to my essential being. It just hurts most of the time and I am only now learning how to embrace that pain with the good that will come from it. May Jesus give me a posture that opens me arms toward those things...

Birds

2007-03-12T15:54:00.000-04:00

"Red lights are flashing on a highway, I wonder if we're gonna ever get home, I wonder if we're gonna ever get home tonight. Everywhere the water's getting rough, Your best intentions may not be enough, I wonder if we're gonna ever get home tonight. But if you break down, I'll drive out and find you. If you forget my love, I'll try to remind you. I'll stay by you when it don't come easy, When it don't come easy. I don't know nothing except change will come. Year after year what we do is undone. Time gets moving from a crawl to a run, I wonder if we're gonna ever get home. You're out there walking down a highway and all of the signs got blown away. Sometimes you wonder if you're walking in the wrong direction. But if you break down, I'll drive out and find you. If you forget my love, I'll try to remind you. I'll stay by you when it don't come easy,When it don't come easy. So many things that I've had before They don't matter to me now. Tonight I cry for the love that I've lost and the love I've never found. And when the last bird falls and the last siren sounds, Someone will say what's been said before: It's only love that we're looking for. When you break down, I'll drive out and find you. If you forget my love, I'll try to remind you. And stay by you when it don't come easy, When it don't come easy." When It Don't Come Easy, ~Patty Griffin
Last night I was standing outside and I heard a bird fly over head. It was alone, flying north, and honking really loudly. If I am that bird, I would have stopped honking and flying, I would have fallen from the sky. But something in that bird believes that its gonna get home. It doesn't have reason to believe that. Its all alone, its dark, and cold, and its possibly even flying in the wrong direction. But it keeps going because some where deep down it believes its gonna get home.
I chose today to get up, to get a shower, to eat breakfast, to deposit a check, to have a conversation with a friend. I could have chosen to stay in bed. But, for now, in the absence of meaning, I will exist for those things.
Even when I forget His love, when I forget the story. I know He is remembering it for me, that He is going to try and remind me of it everyday. I watched The Notebook last night. I can't help crying when I watch two people love each other even in the midst of lost memory. I feel like God is sitting me down everyday and reading our story to me in hopes that one day I will come back to Him. And that's enough for me. That's enough for me today... I will keep flying and honking because I believe deep down that even though I have forgotten and lost my way, my Father knows the way home, and He is going to get me there.

Just Keep Breathing

2007-03-11T20:08:00.000-04:00

Sometimes in movies or tv shows, when someone is dying or just had an accident, the other characters say "Just keep breathing, please, just keep breathing."

...life picks at you, slowly it breaks you down, wears you down. It chips away at your protective coating until you feel like all that is left of you is your raw, beating heart, being horribly exposed to the elements of life. And its there, at the core, where things are decided. We wake up; we eat breakfast, go to work or school, and generally carry on with existence. We decide to do all of those things first in our heart, because we believe that it matters, that there is purpose and its all working toward something. When your heart is exposed it begins to fail, and when your heart begins to fail you cease to believe that it matters. None of it matters...and slowly life comes to a stop.

I reached that stop on Friday... literally and figuratively, I sat at that traffic light and I began to stop breathing. I was ceasing to believe that there was any purpose. I had to tell myself "Just Keep Breathing, Just. Keep. Breathing."

Hope is frail...and more often than not, we keep going out of obligation or responsibility. We keep going because its what we ought to do. It takes a lot to say NO. It’s not good enough. These reasons aren’t good enough for me to keep going. Sure, they will get me through the week, month, year, this chapter of life, but ultimately I will wake up at 40 and it will all have amounted to nothing. Success, Relationships, Power, Money, Status Symbols, even the perfect simple existence. I am empty and none of these things have the power to fill up my heart and make me believe that it will all be worth it.

I am still waiting for Jesus to step into this situation and pull me out. But after you have been here long enough, you have to wonder if He means to pull you out or if He simply means to sit with you in it.

"Here is my heart, here is my soul, take me in part, take me in whole, I want to be whole. Your kingdom come, my kingdom go, go, go."

I am a deal maker. I want a guarantee. I will do this, but I fully expect that you will hold up your end of the deal. You owe me if you don't. I have rights against you. You have a debt with me. I am so wrong...

I used to say to God "I will give you everything, because I know if I do you will make it all better." He never promised that He would. My heart is broken. I am disappointed. God has let me down. But the truth is that He hasn't let me down. I expected something that wasn't promised to me. I figured that based on Him creating the universe and being extremely able, and me being extremely unable, He ought to make my life better. But I have no right to that. It’s a funny thing, this issue of RIGHTS. We all think people owe us something. Especially God. I am trying to figure out the origins of this type of thought (post Aristotle). It’s probably an issue of Modernist Humanism. Damn it. So here I sit in my postmodern glory and I try and sort through my "rights" with God. I have none. I am subject to a Creator, who owes me nothing, but, evidently, wants to give me a Kingdom. I have a Kingdom to gain.

Like Job, I have a complaint...and yet I am silenced by all the things I can't understand.
It’s in the full moon...
It’s in the person you love touching your skin...
It’s in the wind that moves the trees...
It’s in the friends who sit around a table trying to help you mourn your Mom...

I don't understand. It’s all so beautiful. My heart is in so much pain. I don't know how to keep breathing...

Rescue

2007-02-23T15:27:00.000-05:00

"Get up, get out, get away from these liars 'cause they don't get your soul or your fire
Take my hand, knot your fingers through mine and we'll walk from this dark room for the last time
every minute from this minute now we can do what we like anywhere
I want so much to open your eyes 'cause I need you to look into mine." ~Snow Patrol

If there is one thing I can't stand, its John Eldridge's book Wild At Heart. I have never read a more gender-stereotyped, culturally constructed piece of writing. I hate the fact that it was written in the name of God. Oh well, until someone writes something better I guess we will just have to work with it. But really, that book, along with the female "companion" edition, Captivating, (only co-written by his wife Stasi, of course) , have helped me to understand something about myself (and I don't mean any bullshit about twirling skirts). Actually, the concept of rescue hangs heavy over the the ideas presented in these books. It is the overtone of the songs I can't get out of my head recently. Its not rooted in my feminine nature, its rooted in my human nature. I long for rescue. We have this prevailing sense that things aren't right. And even beyond that sense, we are run over by the fact that death is stalking our steps and occasionally it catches up only to tear the bottom quickly or slowly from beneath our feet. Broken engagements, dying parents, abused siblings. Its dark and its heavy and I think more than anything else in this life, I am longing for Someone to step into my existence, to knot their fingers through mine and lead me out... I want to hear that its okay, that we are all going to be okay. I want someone I can trust. I just want to be loved. Not in sentiment and words that are supposed to string me along from day to day. I want something that changes my existence, that relieves this ache, that lets me know it has all been worth it... I long to be pulled out of all of this.

"And I don't know where to look, my words just break and melt. Please just save from this darkness. Please just save me from this darkness."~Snow Patrol

ssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....................be quiet.... and wait. Rescue is coming...

...in the mean time..... live with your hand on your chest... and repeat after me,
"I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive..........rescue is coming."

I'm Just A Dead Man Lying On The Carpet

2007-01-01T16:15:00.000-05:00

I am leaving PA to head back to GR in two days. It has been a good break, lots of fun with friends, a new relationship (if you know what I mean), and plenty of eating. I am officially stuffed. Also, ipod video 30GB, and a pair of Converse where the best gifts this year. Yes, I am spoiled, possibly part of the whole existential crisis that has been plaguing my life for the last year or so. Lots of people referenced that crisis while I was back here. Evidently I haven't kept in touch with people like I used to do prior to and during the major melt down. I think its indicative of how my life has generally gone since last October. no sweeping revelations...just getting by mostly. Not feeling a lot of passion of direction. I guess wandering would be the proper term. Last week over a bowl of French Onion soup, I told my friend Deb that I was unhappy, angry, bitter, cynical, sarcastic, depressed and basically numb/emotionally detached from my life and my relationships. Its as if all the 23 years of hurt that I have never dealt with have risen up and choked the life right out of me. I am here, I am going through the motions, and I am even quite successful.... but I am not really alive. This sounds familiar. I have been here before...or maybe I have been here all along...I just only become aware of my situation when something interrupts my "path of least resistance" trajectory and sparks something that reminds me of all the things for which I once had longing. In this instance, that something was actually a someone. He is one of those steady, reliable people that are worth trusting in this life. Its rare that I meet anyone like that and I am really excited about the relationship potential… And yet, here I am face to face with a person who is trustworthy and I am trust-deficient. It is in relationship that we have to face the things we fear the most. My inability to trust him is the giant Red Flag that tips me off to the fact that something is horribly wrong in my life and it probably has something to do with my view of God.

A lot of my journey over the last year was about deconstructing all of the images of God, myself, and the world that I had built. I think that was a really great process for me and it allowed me to evaluate what I truly believed about who Jesus is and what the story really means. The danger for me is that this becomes a purely intellectual enterprise. I love learning and theorizing about pretty much everything. I am not good at talking about how I feel or what I believe in my heart. I still don’t know how to believe that God is good, trustworthy, loving, and active. I have not had the courage to deal with the deepest levels of disappointment that I have had to face in my life. I go out of my way not to. But how can I talk about seminary and leading the church when I have a heart that is so separated from God? Am I crazy? I am becoming every pastor I ever despised.

So, here is my New Years resolution: I will not mistake intellectualism for belief. I will go into the broken places and sit in my disappointment with God…and we will see what comes out of it. Hopefully, it will look something like the best possible way to live.

Reading: Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning
Listening: Good Monsters by Jars of Clay
Watched: The Inside Man

Funny Shit: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYnn51C3X_w

Top 10 Albums of 05-06

2006-11-09T18:31:00.000-05:00

For John Stringer, in no particular order:

Death Cab For Cutie - Plans
Marching Bands of Manhattan
Your Heart Is An Empty Room
What Sarah Said
Brothers On A Hotel Bed
The Postal Service - Give Up
The District Sleeps Alone Tonight
Nothing Better
Clark Gable
We Will Become Silhouettes
Brand New Colony
Snow Patrol - Final Straw
How To Be Dead
Chocolate
Idlewild - Warnings and Promises
Welcome Home
I Understand It
El Capitan
Switchfoot - Nothing Is Sound
Happy Is A Yuppie Word
The Shadow Proves The Sunshine
The Setting Sun
Golden
Daisy
David Crowder Band - A Collision (or 3 +4 = 7)
Its a concept album, so you really have to listen to the whole thing, loudly, in one sitting.
U2 - Zooropa and Pop
Stay (Far away, So close)
The First Time
If God Will Send His Angels
Wake Up Dead Man
Brighteyes - Lifted (or the story is in the soil so keep your ear to the ground) and I'm Wide Awake, Its Morning
Also, basically concept albums that need to be listened to in their entirety.
Sufjan Stevens - Greetings From Michigan
For the widows in Paradise, For the fatherless in Ypsilanti
Romulus
Vito's Ordination Song
Guster - Keep It Together

Grace

2006-10-13T20:12:00.000-04:00

"When she goes to work, you can hear her strings, Grace finds beauty in everything"-u2

I woke up this morning with a certain problem stuck, literally stuck, in my head. I sat in bed for 20 minutes after my alarm and rehashed the past. All the things I could have done better, what I wouldn't give for another chance to make things right. regret. fear. pain. longing. Why had God allowed that situation? Why hadn't he stopped me? In a time when I thought I was as close to him as I had ever been I experienced one of the deepest pains of my life. I remembered all of this in that 20 minutes. I was stuck in a moment and I couldn't get out. Pardon the U2, I can't help myself:) But back to the point...I stumbled through most of my day stuck in this moment. All day, up until I was driving home with my house mate Ashley and we talked about our similarly regrettable situations. It was only during that conversation that I remembered the story I had told of my friend John's mom earlier this week.

I had my theology discussion group this last Tuesday and our conversation circled around the usual dilemma for all Christians, the character of God and the existence of evil. Some how in the midst of all the suggestions and achings that people contributed, I remembered a story...

My friend John once told me how his Mom, while she was pregnant, felt led to Psalm 121: "I lift up my eyes to the hills— where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD watches over you— the LORD is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore."

Not too long after that, she gave birth to a baby girl who had been born with, as John often said, "a Smorgasbord of physical and mental handicaps”. How could the God who would keep her from all harm allow her baby to be born harmed? Does God say a lot of things He doesn't really mean? Am I misinterpreting this God?...and yet...what if this was God keeping their family from all harm? What does Grace look like?

I wish God had prevented a lot of situations in my life. I would rather not have this pain that is sticking around like gum on the bottom of my shoe. Yet I wonder if its existence and duration is keeping me from harm. I am nagged by the suspicion that I would have made far worse decisions in more recent situations if I did not have this aching to remind me of the past. This can’t be the reason for all pain, but maybe this is the way Grace breaks in to my existence. It's been years, and I still awake to this daily as if it has made its home under my bed, waiting to greet me as I rise. Why God? Can't you just make it lessen and fade? ...and so I refer to everyone's favorite apostle, Paul.

2 Corinthians 12: 7-10
"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

It seems as though Grace is the sanctification of my heart through all the things that I would rather not have experienced in this life. Evidently, it’s enough, its God’s power made perfect. It’s Jesus putting on skin and showing me how to live and die. I wish I hadn't been hurt. I wish Kim hadn't been born with Handicaps. I wish for a lot of things. But Shit happens and Grace is what happens when God makes flowers grow out of that shit. The truth of the gospel isn't that it erradicates the darkness, it just teaches us to live in it. I have my feet in the mud and my eyes on the skies. We always live some where in between.

Long Day

2006-10-10T22:54:00.000-04:00

I should be starting that paper that is due on Thursday, but for some reason I am deciding to sit here and write a new entry in my already too long "black blog of death" as my brother Paul calls it.
I just had a really long day, the kind that wears you down.

8:00am - Alarm beeps
8:07am - Feet swing to the floor (its getting cold in Michigan, so I reach for my robe and slippers)
8:09am - Grab my book and head up to the kitchen...my housemate didn't make coffee this morning..I heat up my tea from the night before, which I am sure is a health hazard...I drink it anyway along with my usual concoction of Grape Nuts and honey with Milk, yum.
8:33am - Personal maintainence... I would just leave it there, but really I need to rant about this power that men have over women even when they are no where in sight...meaning: I can't get dressed in the morning without considering who I might be seen by that day...today is a campus day, and the only person that I thought I might want to impress has officially proven to be Elitist Scum...thus dressing is much easier today or at least leans more toward comfort.
9:20am - Pack my book bag, grab my keys, put on my shoes...its seems colder than I thought it would be...I run back inside for gloves and a scarf (I am secretly joyful since I am a big fan of gloves and scarves:) I now proceed to walk to school.
9:45am - Try to exchange my canadian money from my "Canadian Holiday" at Financial Services, but she tells me that I can get a better rate at the bank...I opt for a bank exchange.
9:48am - Stop by Corcoran's office to say "Hey, you've gotta read the new Crowder book, Metaphysics, Eschatology, and Bluegrass...Who can resist?" He is a good friend, he encourages me to not give up in my educational pursuits...I am convinced I could close my eyes and point at a Seminary and it wouldn't be a big deal. I need career counseling.
10:00am - I stroll into work..the computer is acting wierd...I am giving a girl a ride to a place I have never been...she also seems to suffer from indecision as she doesn't know when she want to be dropped off or picked up from this institution.
10:15am - drop girl off
10:30am - arrive back on campus, run to grab a cup of coffee because I am too tired to think straight..if only my roommate had made coffee this morning.
11:15am - leave to pick girl up
11:30am - get girl
11:45am - back on campus, back to work...but now I am hungery...run to Johnny's to get lunch, but there are a bagillion people who want to say hi. I avoid the Elitist Scum, but he's cute and I am a dork so I am terrible at avoiding and I am afraid my attraction is like a giant sign over my head. I manage to get lunch and exit the premisise without making a complete ass out of myself.
1:20pm - after wasting an hour on the computer with random jobs and unrelated emails, I am finally on my way to my 1:30pm class with Romanowski. Elitist Scum walks with me to class, its my fault, I am weak, we end up sitting next to each other, also my fault. Why are women attracted to jerks? Worse yet, why do women pursue jerks?
2:45pm - Romanowski has just completed the most complicated explanation of Semiotics, Structural Anthropology, and Genre Theory, I think my head is going to implode. We break for 15 minutes, I pull out my book to kill the time before we watch our film for the day, Unforgiven.
4:50pm - I quietly exit the theater since I have to meet my conversation partner at 5pm. It was a terrible movie anyway and I wish I had been able to leave sooner. Props to Clint Eastwood for using the same voice in all his movies.
5:00pm - Karen, my conversation partner is late...I pull out my book, again.
5:10pm - Here is Karen...she doesn't speak English well, so we are working on that and I am getting CCE credit. I cannot describe how lame it is that I have to do CCE credit, but I like Karen and I want to help her learn english. We go to Meijer and shop, its fun.
6:15pm - Karen drops me off at my house.
6:17pm - I realize for the 50 millionth time today that I have In Vino Theologica at 6:30pm in Eastown at the Wilson's house...I run out the door, hop in the wagon and take off.
6:33pm - Arrive at the Wilson's...wine, crab dip, friends, and Open Theism...nothing makes this kid happier.
8:30pm - It was a great discussion, and a very personal one for me, probably for all of us..we all struggle with pain and God coexisting...But there are no easy answers..every position costs something.
8:40pm - Pull in to D&W, I haven't grocery shopped in at least 3 weeks.
10:00pm - Unload groceries, label them, pack into our fridge.
10:20pm - reheat leftovers for dinner.
10:30pm - read up on Rothberg International School at Hebrew University of Jerusalem.
10:45pm - Check email.
11:00pm - decide to blog after reading the last month's worth of writing on Simon's blog. He is a good blogger...I always feel inspired:)
11:24pm - That brings us up to the minute. I am tired. I want to go to bed. I don't want my days to continue in this fashion though. There is entirely too much activity and I am exhausted at the end of it all. But I love all the parts of it for their value, even the grocery shopping...all of it seems to spill over with praise...and I simply feel thankful...and tired.

good night

3+4=7 (Beautiful Day)

2006-09-30T17:47:00.000-04:00

"Burn it down, 'til the embers smoke on the ground. And start new when your heart is an empty room with walls of the deepest blue. The flames and smoke, climb out of every window, and disappear with everything that you held dear, but you shed not a single tear for the things that you didn't need 'cause you knew you were finally free."-DCFC

"The breaking makes a sound I never knew could be so beautiful and loud, fury-filled and we collide. So courageous until now, fumbling and scared, so afraid you'll find me out, alone here with my doubt. Here it comes a beautiful collision is happening now, there seems no end to where you begin and there I am, now you and I collide." -DCB

I dipped down to put out my cigarette in the mud. Lifting my head as the clouds broke and light poured over my front yard. I saw myself between the sky and the ground. This is where I live...

I had one of those conversations today that shakes you up in all the right ways. A friend was in town from back home, venting his disillusionement with the Church. What is the Church? What is it supposed to look like? Can you have a really large church that doesn't inherently perpetuate the mistakes of modernism? Can the Church change? Should we just burn it all down and start over?

We might as well as the same questions of ourselves, because the truth is that the Church is not a building or an institution, its individuals who collect into an organism. If we are asking the question "can the church change?" we are really asking the question "can I change?"

I've lost a lot. I have lost three of the most important things in my life in the the last three years. My best friend, my first love, and my Mom. Its akin to having your legs chopped out from underneath you or having a heart transplant, but never recieving one in return. It feels hollow, like the expanse of the universe has some how made its way into your chest. Its like being dead, lying in your grave wondering if you will ever be alive again. I've turned away from God; out of pain, boredom, frustration. I've said its not worth it. screw it, life's a roaring shit-fest, and all I will ever get out of this life is what I get for myself. But ultimately I come back to the basic questions. Who am I? Why am I here? Because if this is all there is, I want out, I would rather not exist. Burn it down.

"The Heart is a bloom, it shoots up through the stony ground, but there's no room. No space to rent in this town. You're out of luck and the reason that you had to care. The traffic is stuck, but you're not moving any where. You thought you'd found a friend to take you out of this place. Some one you could lend a hand in return for Grace. Its a Beautiful day...sky falls you feel like its a beautiful day...don't let it get away. You're on the road, but you've got no destination, you're in the mud, in the maze of her imagination. you love this town. Even if that doesn't ring true. You've been all over, and its been all over you. Its a beautiful day...sky falls you feel like its a beautiful day...don't let it get away. Touch me, take me to that other place, teach me Love, I know I'm not a hopeless case. See the world in green and blue...see China right in front of you...see the canyons broken by clouds, see the tuna fleets clearing the sea out, see the bedouin fires at night, see the oil fields at first light and see the bird with the leaf in her mouth, after the floud all the colors came out...it was a beautiful day. What you don't have you don't need it now, what you don't know you can feel it some how..."

I'm a mess; so is the Church, but I'm not a hopeless case, and neither is the Church.

I have no answers. Only this sorrowful-joy that leads me to the place where hope resides, somewhere between tears and laughter, faith and doubt, dignity and depravity. This is the place where I think Jesus resides. If you want me to tell you the Truth or give you hope or provide answers, all I can say is that you are not looking for an abstract concept, you are looking for a person. and if you want to find Him, you have to go and stand in the place where all these things meet... in the tension, this continuum that pulls from both sides. To err on one side or the other is to miss the point, to forget the story, to compromise our hearts and minds. You have to stand there because that is where redemption occurrs, where we are transformed and where we are used to transform the world.

But, I understand if that is a hard place to make our home, in between things. Its simple, but its complicated, mostly by us.

and yet...

This is what I know: Jesus loves all of us, and when we follow Him, we are His church.
This is what I am learning: To follow Jesus; to let Him lead me into the tension; to sit with Him there in the darkness; to see the light breaking and to realize the light is coming from us.

May He lead you into the tension.
and when you think you've had enough to break you in two, when you think you are ready to give in and walk away... may you hold on to Him...may His grip transform you into some one who carries water into dry places, light into darkness, abundance into poverty, healing into sickness, and comfort into pain.

We are living between the sky and the ground, set on a collision course with the Creator of the Universe...and its a beautiful day.

It'll be okay

2006-08-24T19:35:00.000-04:00

Well, this blog is on behalf of N8ledbetter, possibly the only person who still reads this.

My brother Ryan just came and said good bye to me about 15 minutes ago. He is leaving to go home to PA in the morning. I am having a hard time, honestly. I have gotten used to him being around GR in the last year. I have enjoyed his company and the ways we have been able to care for each other in the last year. Its been a hard year. I wish he wouldn't go away, but I know that he is going back to a place where there are plenty of people to care for him and where I am sure Jesus has some things for him to work through. I just hope this is a good journey for him and not another diversion in the path toward who Jesus wants him to be. But, like I said, I am just going to trust that there are reasons for him to go back there, and that at the end of next year he will be more free, not less, to pursue his future. Regardless, I am sad, and I already miss him a lot. I don't want anymore people to leave my life.

But life goes on..I am still helping at Mars Hill Bible Church in their Community Life department. It has been a lot of fun; tiring too, but mostly fun. And really, it has been exciting to be a part of what Jesus is doing here. There is this inescapable energy about the place, like we are actually creating tangible change in the world and we know it. Most days I still walk into the office in denial that I can be a part of any of this. But here I am. What's even more alarming is that these people really think I have some thing to share with them. I have been working on helping to develop a plan for a ministry for people who are 18-25 yrs old. This has been rewarding and difficult for me. Rewarding the sense that I am learning a lot about myself and the church, and difficult for all the same reasons. The craziest part is that I think we are actually getting some where, I see movement all around the stuff I am working on and its a wonderful thing to witness. I am just so excited to be here.

On to other things...I am wrapping up the Summer RA gig. Its been good, even fun some times, but mostly I am relieved that the end is in sight. A big part of me is just ready to move off campus and take care of a home with my girlfriends. All of whom are amazing. Abby, Ashley, Annalise, and Melody. I miss them a lot. Its been a long summer. I am just looking forward to having a big party with all my favorite people. Drink a few beers, smoke a few cigarettes and debrief on our long absence.

Some times I start to think about Mom. I picture her house or the roads that lead to her house; I try not to think about it too much honestly. I guess it's still to hard to allow the realization that she isn't alive. At some point I will have to deal with this, but not yet.

A song I like right now, by Guster, its called "Come Downstairs and Say Hello", its has these great lines in it that follow this Postal-Service-esque beat.

Dorothy moves
To click her ruby shoes
Right in tune
With Dark Side of the Moon
Someone someone could tell me
Where I belong
Be calm
Be brave
It'll be ok

No more messing around
And living underground
Or New Year's resolutions
By this time next year I won't be here
I turn on
Turn on MTV
The volume's down
Lips move
They say
It'll be ok

To tell you truth I've said it before tomorrow I start in a new direction
One last time these words from me I'm never saying them again
And I shut the light
And listen as my watch unwinds

To tell you truth I've said it before tomorrow I start in a new direction
I know I've been half asleep I'm never doing that again
I look straight at what's coming ahead and soon it's gonna change in a new direction
Every night as I'm falling asleep these words repeated in my head

Voices calling from a yellow road
To come downstairs and say hello
Don't be shy just say hello

perhaps this song is about having the courage to face life, to not fear time, and to find our way home. That would be good advice for me at this point in my life. I am starting my final year of college, and its gonna be a good one:) But soon it will be done and I will once again pack my stuff into the burgundy station wagon and drive to the next site of my tranformative existence. Perhaps that will be Seattle. I hope so. I am trying not to be scared of it all. Of the future or of myself or all the things I have yet to gain and lose. I get the feeling life would be easier if I was capable of less, then maybe I wouldn't have as much to lose, less might be expected of me.

"I always knew you, in your mother's arms, I have called your name..." Sufjan Stevens

July

2006-08-01T12:54:00.000-04:00

I swear, I did post in July. Its just at my other blog: www.myspace.com/csprague.
go. visit. fun times:)

Today

2006-06-25T23:05:00.000-04:00

I usually decide to write in my blog when there is some emotional intensity to fuel the language fires, but today just feels like today and that's better then okay. Its been a while. Not that everything is okay, far from it, but I feel centered in some way that I haven't felt in a long time, maybe ever. Where would such a thing come from? Well, I am glad you asked:) Truthfully, not that I want to get cliche, but I guess part of me, or all of me, finally reached a breaking point with my ambivalence toward Jesus. Its as if I have been carried along by Him this whole time, but I have been too much of a coward to look Him in the eye, because I was afraid of what I might find there. Not anything wrong with Him, but all the things that are wrong with me. It has taken me a long time to get to the place where I can be honest about who I have been in the last year and even the last 22 years. Its so hard, but I decided finally that what I long for more than my self preservation is to know and be know by the only person I will ever be truly intimate with in this life. I am finally at a place where I am ready to stand in the tension of all the things that will be unfinished and unsatisfied in this life, because I am tired of hiding, its not really living. I would rather feel the pain mingled with hope than nothing at all. So I have relented and called off my guard dogs. I sat before God for the first time in a long time and really handed everything over. Its hard to hold anything back when you have lost everything; there is nothing on which to hold. And yet, I am stunned at how much I possess in the wake of the things I've lost. This is the point where I say, "Screw Metaphysics, I have a soul." Because I can feel it and its the most real thing in the world to me right now. I am living where body and soul meet, where the sky and the ground meet, where his divinity and my depravity meet. There is tension and there is beauty and it feels like being alive.

Happy is a yuppie word
Nothing in the world could fail me now
It's empty as an argument
I'm running down a life that won't cash out
Happy is a yuppie word
Blessed is the man who's lost it all
Happy is a yuppie word
Looking for an orphanage
I'm looking for a bridge I can't burn down
I don't believe the emptiness
I'm looking for the kingdom coming down
Everything is meaningless
I want more than simple cash can buy
Happy is a yuppie word
Nothing is sound

Book I am reading:The Holy Longing by Richard Rolheiser

CD I am listening to:Warnings and Promises by Idlewild

Movie I have recently watched:The Jacket

Bleeding Thoughts

2006-06-18T00:28:00.000-04:00

I miss my Mom. I miss her smile and her laugh, her voice, her hands, her humor, her anger, her prayers, her love, her tears...I would do anything to have her back. But she's not coming back and I know I will see her again some day, but that doesn't make up for all the now that we are missing together. She won't be here when I graduate from college, she won't be there for any more Christmas Mornings, she won't help me plan my wedding, she won't give me advice on raising my kids, she won't be there to tell me how proud she is if I ever do something really great. All those things went to the grave with her and the silence of all the things left undone and unsaid is deafening.
What's the point, if none of us are getting out of here alive? Why should we stick it out in the brokenness? Yes, there is beauty, but it never seems to be enough to soothe the pain and the chaos. I hate time. Its just more opportunity for things to fall apart. I always thought things would get better when I became a Christian, but it feels like they either got worse or nothing really changed at all. I believe God is every where, that He is good, and the He is able. I believe He is doing something about this whole mess. But there are moments when I can't help saying that I don't want to be here anymore. I just want to disappear until its over. Wake me up when Jesus gets back. I don't want to be here for one more minute of death, grief, loss, abuse, betrayal, violence, anger, pain, pain, pain, and more pain. I am forever impressed with how much the heart is able to bear. If emotional pain could really kill you, the way it feels like when you are dying inside, then I would be surprised that more people haven't just dropped dead. What good is all this accomplishing? I know my response is where the redemption comes in, but life is just shitty. That's just the way it is.

Book I am reading:
The Holy Longing by Richard Rolheiser

CD I am listening to:
Reset EP by Mutemath

Movie I have recently watched:
The Family Stone

Reinventing Church

2006-06-04T00:01:00.000-04:00

For the last two years I have been lucky enough to be a part of Mars Hill Bible Church in Grand Rapids, MI. I have to admit, I was a bit thrown when I first started attending. The building is hard to find (except for the insane line of traffic in the area on a Sunday morning), there aren't really any signs and it looks like you are pulling into the YMCA (also in the same building) or a kids playland, since those are the only things with signs on the out side of the building. The main auditorium looks like a gutted Wal-Mart with tons of generic grey chairs in a giant circle, making the square stage at the center look like something of a boxing ring. There aren't really any decorations except the giant cross that some times occupies the center of the stage. The screen is always done in a bare-bones black and white text. No graphics or backgrounds to "enhance" (or whatever rationale we use in our church back home). For a first timer, this all seems a bit bleak and unimpressive, just you and 3,000 other people who all look like they just fell out of the Gap waiting for things to get started.

...But then things get started and you begin to realize that this Church is not comprised of a building, decorations, or sleek advertising methods. Its people, and a lot of them, all getting together on a Sunday morning because they believe in something bigger than themselves. When the staff of Mars Hill gets into that boxing ring stage you begin to see the heart and breath of Jesus in full force in a way that points toward the divine and challenges all of us to look at ourselves, the church, God, and the whole world in a way that resonates and yet creates tension in the core of our being. This is a beautiful place to dwell; in the tension. To be quite honest, I was all at once attracted and frustrated with the way these people have chosen to flesh out the gospel. Its not as simple as the church I grew up in; there are no formulas, steps, or easy-answers. All I wanted when I walked in there was to have really spiritual worship, illuminating teaching, and some one to approach me and tell me how to get involved in the College ministry. While the first two expectations were met (depending on my spiritual posture before God), I was baffled that there wasn't a ministry designed for me to meet my needs and give me community with people that are just like me. (*please note how many times I used "me" in the last sentence). Basically, I wanted a church that would revolve around me and they weren't going to give it to me and I was pissed off. However, no matter how disappointed I was, when it came to the vision, I was completely sold. I couldn't put my finger on it then, but I think after two years I am beginning to understand that what was at once compelling and revolting was the fact that the vision of this church was not simply about giving me what I wanted, but what we all needed, what we as individuals, communities, and humanity all need in order to really live in a very dark world.

Jesus wasn't kidding when He said "Come, Follow me." It was very literal, meaning "do what I do, watch, I will show you how." He did not say "set up ministries that correspond to each age group in your body so that everyone can have individualized attention and get what they want." He said, if you want to keep your life you have to lose it. So what does this mean to a College kid who is trying to do church? It shifts my focus outward. Yes, I want good teaching, Yes, I want to worship in spirit and truth, Yes, I want community with which to do this journey, but what I seem too often to miss in this list is the outward perspective of the gospel that calls us to service and sacrifice, we are called to give. We all want to receive, but the Kingdom is about the business of turning things insideout, upsidedown: I realize that the only way I can truly receive anything worth while in this life is by laying aside my demands and giving myself away. This is where the rubber meets the road; where true worship, teaching, discipleship, and community are all fully realized is in service. So, I ask the question: What does a college ministry look like? Another program with worship and a speaker with the occasional social outing? Or is it something more? Is it about people who are young, broken, and longing for something more, coming together and giving themselves away only to find that in this they can possess the very thing they long for the most? It makes me want to get up and do a little dance right now by my computer. But then again, this is only half fleshed out and the beginnings of a dialogue that will take us longer than a few blog entries. In any case, I am happy to be a part of this crazy bunch of people who I feel are speeding the Lord's return by holding on to the heart of the gospel and living in the tension between sacrifice and all the things for which we long. Cheers to a summer of dialogue and service with you all.

Book I am reading:
The Histroy of Love by Nicole Krauss

CD I am listening to:
Plans by Death Cab for Cutie

Movie I have recently watched:
The Mexican

Choices

2006-05-01T20:37:00.000-04:00

"I've had my choices, I've chosen today, I've had my choices and choices remain. Is this fiction? Hope has given himself to the worst. Is this fiction or divine comedy where the last of the last finish first? Living is simple." ~ Switchfoot

It occurred to me today that my ability to experience any kind of joy or hope appears to be a choice. My mom used to say that to me. She would say "you know Christi, you have to choose to be happy. I choose it everyday." I would then to try to argue with her about the uselessness of choice in the face of emotion. But it made sense today as I sat with a friend and told her that everything just sucked. She asked me if I meant my circumstances, to which I said yes everything sucks. Which begs the question: Do I allow my circumstances to control my emotions? Or worse yet, Do I allow my emotions to control me? I find that more often than not I give in to whatever I am feeling and let it consume my view of life and everything in it. I destroy my ability to appreciate life and living. Yeah, things aren't the best they have ever been, but something tells me that they aren't that bad either. I have this bad habit of telling myself that if I could just have the perfect job, boyfriend, friends, car, etc then everything would be good and then I would feel good. But its not true. Those things won't make me happy either. So, I have a choice here. I can be a bitter mess and let my misery eat away at my heart or I can choose to not give in and to fight against this nastiness that seems to want to overwhelm me. I can choose hope, I can choose joy (not a false happiness that is based in denial), I can choose to not let my emotions control me. Yes I am sad, mom dying was hard for all of us, but there are good things happening here and last time I checked I was supposed to be surrendered on all these things. So, I am trying to let them go. I am trying to have empty hands so that hopefully into that emptiness god will place something worth carrying.

"Take this city, a city should be shining on a hill. Take this city, if it be your will. What no man can own, no man can take. Take this heart, take this heart, take this heart, and make it break." ~U2

Time is on your side

2006-04-30T15:48:00.000-04:00

"and it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to Father time as I stared at my shoes in the ICU which reeked of piss and 409. I rationed my breaths as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today as each decending peak on the LCD took you a little bit farther away from me." Death Cab "What Sarah Said"

"Time is a mocker and a remedy" Anathallo

I wish I could be more hopeful to anyone who might read this, but the truth is that this life isn't getting any easier. We all seem to be small dots in a grand story. We live with our feet in the mud and our heads in the clouds. I have been closer to despair this year than any other time in my life and all I have emerged with is this: The darkness is deep and long, but the story and who Jesus is are captivating. I can't stress enough how much I long for rest from this life, but I am willing to stick it out here every day because I am hopeful that the sum of my life and your life add up to more than simply our own happiness. I am ill content with Happiness as a goal, mostly because it can't be attained. But this one thing I do know: our lives are more meaningful than we can imagine. We are changing the world and this history when we don't give in, I won't let the darkness win. I am determined in this probably because it is so strong. I rage against it, and when I don't have the will or the resources to rage, when there is nothing left, I believe God will rage for me, and so will you. Thank you if you have helped me in this fight, wherever you might stand in relation to God, I am thankful for the company on the journey. I have the sinking feeling that it will all be worth it in the end.

In reference to The Lark Ascending by George Meredith

2006-02-20T17:02:00.000-05:00

You see, there is sky and there is ground and we live somewhere in between. There are many Larks (all that is light/beauty, like art and music), they lift us up, pull us up toward the sky. But life is happening, death is happening, and the ground keeps pulling at my feet.

An Analogy

2006-02-13T21:00:00.000-05:00

When we join up with this crazy Christianity thing we are essentially making a covenant with God. Or He is making one with us at any rate. Much the same as two people do in a marriage. Everything is so great for so many years, just you and God. There are lots of highs and lows, but inevitably you pull through and there is a lot of deepening between the two of you. I can say that is true of my relationship with God. I can't remember a better time in my life than the last couple of years of rediscovering God and all the things He desires for me and this world. The Kingdom is an exiting place to be afterall.
But then, one day, years later, you wake up and you realize that you aren't in love with this God any more. Things are just different. You feel like you don't know him anymore or you wonder if you ever really did. He is silent and doesn't seem to be acting in the same ways that He used to. He doesn't seem to be holding up his end of the deal anymore. And you wonder if its you or him or you both who is to blame for all this.
You start spending less time together, but you are worried that this is all really your fault and you cry and try to make amends and try harder to do anything to make things go back to the way they used to be. But nothing works and you feel even more alienated. The silence is deafening. You declare that things aren't working for you anymore, that you have tried, but nothing you do can fix what has become broken here. You ask for a divorce. But He says no. Quietly. And you know He is right. So you decide to stick with it. Every grim day for the rest of your life. But you are tired and lonely and discontent. So you find other Gods to spend time with, and you lay in their bed at night wondering if you will ever find your way back home again. Because you know He is waiting, even if you have stopped trying.
Eventually, the other gods fail you too. They let you down or don't love you the way you want. You just feel more empty and isolated. So you return home and sit down on the couch next to Him in silence. You still don't know Him, you still don't like what He has done or failed to do in your opinion. If He would just do things the right way then you wouldn't have these problems. But He still knows you, He always has, and He still loves you, He always has. But you don't even know where to begin to try and mend all of the things that you have said and done. There is an ocean between you both and you have no idea how to cross it. This is my position.

Worship = Imagination (a comment for Laura)

2006-02-13T20:48:00.000-05:00

Yey for Tree Climbers:)I think that beauty is available in every inch of the world and beauty is the fuel for imagination. We just aren't doing a very good job of teaching kids how to see and appreciate beauty for all its worth. David Crowder has some interesting things to say about this in his book on worship "praise habit". How when we are young, we inherently know how to worship i.e. holding a toy over our heads and declaring that this is the best toy ever and demanding that everyone notice and praise the toy. We lose that as we grow up because we shame each other out of it. its simply not cool to exclaim our appreciation for things and so we stifle it until our note of beauty is a passing glance and there is no wonder or awe over the things that once brought us joy. All this to say, we don't lack imagination, we have simply stifled it because as humans we are dehumanizing each other. We need to recover our dignity as worshipers and so possibly reclaim our imagination.

The Lark Ascending

2006-02-06T09:15:00.000-05:00

He rises and begins to round, He drops the silver chain of sound, Of many links without a break, In chirrup, whistle, slur and shake, For singing till his heaven fills, 'Tis love of earth that he instils, And ever winging up and up, Our valley is his golden cup, And he the wine which overflows To lift us with him as he goes: Till lost on his aerial rings In light, and then the fancy sings.
From The Lark Ascending
By George Meredith

it is as bad as you think, possibly worse

2006-02-05T12:27:00.000-05:00

Mom went into the hospital yesterday. I couldn't fall asleep last night because I couldn't help but ask the question Why is mom sick? Why her? Could her life get much worse? Why do so many people claim that God has healed them, and yet He hasn't healed mom? Does He heal some and not others? Is there a good reason for not healing a person? Are there reasons? Is this just a fallen world and there is nothing God can do about that? Are his hands tied? Is he busy? Is there some possibility that what is best for my mom is disease and sickness? How does that work with Love?
All of this was then compounded by the guilt and regret of not really knowing Mom or allowing Mom to know me. I helped at a ministry downtown this morning. All these people that needed food, so they come there to eat on Sunday mornings. All I could think was that life is as bad as I feared and this world isn't getting by like I would hope for. The way down is so long and the hole is so deep. I don't know how to deal with it.

Our Last Night in GR

2005-12-23T17:01:00.000-05:00

Click Here for Pictures

Back Home

2005-12-23T16:08:00.000-05:00

It's funny that we don't realize how much things have changed until we are well past the point at which the change occured. I am having a great time being back here in York, but it is a bit overwhelming to see what time has done with everything and everyone. Yet some things will never change. I know that's vague, but I don't think I could possibly flesh out this experience in words yet, it's all a little too sureal still.

Family is good, just very spread out as usual. Friends are different, but still amicable. I was at a bar last night and it just seemed like people from High School were coming out of the woodwork. Not that it was a bad thing, just overwhelming to see so many people for the first time since graduation whom had been a part of my everyday experience for so many years. Thier names come slowly crawling back into my memory, some more easily than others, depending on my experience with them. It's funny, but I remember more good than bad from these people. Hopefully my memory will retain that type of recall in the years ahead; it makes for a much more appealing version of the past.

I miss my Grand Rapids people, as they are the ones who make up my most current context and who I feel know me the best. It's like I need them the most right now, when I am surrounded by reminders of who I have been, to remind me of who I am now. Yeah, I really miss you guys.

The thing about seeing who you have been in the past is that you can't help but fall right back into old ideas and patterns, thus my faith comes slowly crawling back like the names of old friends. I have talked about God, Jesus, and the Church more in the last four days than I have in the last four months. I am guessing that is a positive thing, but really I just feel all the more uncertain about how we can really formulate knowing in this culture. To what extent am I the agent of development in my reconstruction of the christian faith? There are so many assumptions and norms that dictate everyday life in such a way that you don't even have to think about why you do or believe any of these things. Not that I am not open to the revelation of my story as part of a larger one, but I do feel at times that my current journey is too easily placed inside the christian story when I am not even sure it is something I am ready to step back into. In fact I know that I don't want to step back into the Chirstian story as an isolated subculture that proclaims a sanitary gospel. I want to place myself in a much bigger story, the one of humanity, and hopefully I will find the gospel there in the much less sanitary conditions in which the rest of the planet lives on a daily basis.

Where Soul Meets Body

2005-12-13T22:32:00.000-05:00

Months pass quickly don't they?
It's this time thing that brings us to our knees:)

I have been thinking about my soul. if I have one and the implications of that. Where will I go when I die? Or would I simply stop existing? I am fine with either.

Body is another thing. What do I do with this scrap of Skin? What do I do with myself here, now? What does it really mean to be alive? I am not sure.

Its some where that soul meets body. That is where I want to live. I am not sure where that is, what it looks like. I just know I have never been there before. But I am crawling closer to it. As life begins to unwind before me.

It's in every cup of coffee and every cigarette. Every conversation and every moment when I am standing still enough to notice the trees swaying in the darkness. It's breathing deep this human air. It's worship really, isn't it?

But all these ideas and moments are so detached from relationships, from past pain and hurt. It also fails to allow hope and plans for the future. So much that definies us. The past and present come in quickly speaking to all the things we carry with us and all the uncertainty of things that have yet to be named. And sandwiched in there is this present of breathing in and out, in and out.

I guess I will just deal with one thing at a time. Don't ask me about the past or the future. This is me here, now. This is me breathing. I think I'll go have another cigarette...

The Allure of Transcendence

2005-11-16T14:16:00.000-05:00

I thought I had found something in Jesus, and I thought it was going to change the world, I thought I was part of something, that my life would be this wild exciting adventure that's impact would reach beyond death...or something like that.

But...maybe life is just painfully ordinary. We have all these passions and dreams of transcending this life and overcoming insurmountable conflicts. That even death will, some how, lose its bitter veil, but we are here...now...and life is happening...and it’s not all that alluring or transcendent. It’s dark and confusing and definitely has a bitter veil.

But I have these moments. When things are undeniably...good. Like standing outside in the cold, dark, quiet, having a good conversation with a good friend over a good cigarette. There was no where I would have rather been at that moment. It could have been the last night of my life and I don't know if I would have changed a thing. It was just good. It kind of takes you back to the beginning in a garden…and you have to wonder how did this all start, and what does that have to do with how I live now?

So what am I living for again?
There is so much tension between all the things we hope our lives will amount to and the moments in between that make it all worth while. But maybe there isn't. Maybe having a good conversation with a friend, where your heart swells with gratitude, maybe that is transcendence; maybe that changes the world. What if I have absolutely no control over what my life amounts to except this moment to moment living where I decide to love people and do my homework? Maybe the sum of those moments is transcendent.

In some ways I can't help but feel like I am selling out though. Like there is something inside of me that wants desperately to come alive, but I have surrendered to the status quo. But I know it’s not true. I think I am finally just growing into the reality of this world: that good, lasting, meaningful impact takes time and commitment. That there is transcendence, it just looks a lot different than I had first thought. Most things look a lot different than what I had first thought.

So, there is the allure of transcendence, but the ground keeps pulling at my feet, and I am beginning to see why that is not such a bad thing. This thing inside of me, that wants to be alive, is God-given, like a taste of heaven, but I am living out my humanity on this earth, and I am only now beginning to learn what it means to live with both.

A Birthday Blog

2005-11-11T14:24:00.000-05:00

Yes, today is the big day, when this crazy mess got a new kink in the system.
22. I think I am feeling a little old on this one. I know I know, shut up christi, you are so young. But still, it wouldn't be me unless I analyzed it to death:)

Anyway, the last blog was so...hopeful. yeah, I think it stuck in some small way, but mostly I am just cynical and doubtful and unbelieving. After re-reading what I wrote I still feel angry and I am still unconvinced. The story sounds great and on some days I even believe it, but for the most part life is still filled with this other reality and...well...I would rather go drink a beer than deal with the uncertainty.

On to some other question that my brother Paul brought up: why does God need us?
I don't know. Does God need us? Is our existence dependent on God? Is God's existence dependent on us? Is He like tinker bell and we all just have to believe and clap our hands or else He will be snuffed out of existence? And if the answer to the previous question is NO, then why do Christians live like its YES?

I read this awful John Piper devotional excerpt about how we shouldn't get angry at God or yell at Him and such other means of Honesty(my opinion). What a load of shit. I think if God were here(which they keep telling me He is) then I think he would be alright with my honesty and my emotional state. I could yell "Fuck You" and throw my shoes across the room and Jesus would say "yeah, I know." and then he would throw some shoes with me. I think God is just as angry as I am, which makes me think that my anger is miss placed most of the time. because you have to wonder what God is so angry about. Probably this sickness, this death that has so fucked up the entire earth and all of us. But He could stop it right? He is God after all.... I am not ready to finish this thought yet as it seems to be running toward a particular theological point. yeah, I am just not there yet.

On a brighter note...birthday plans are:
Ryan is in a dance troupe called "Dance Guild" and they have a show tonight which I will be going to and when he is done we are going downtown to this really cool piano bar called Mojo's. yeay:) and tomorrow we will be going to see the musical extravagance known as The David Crowder Band:) mmmmahahaha! I am so excited:)

Cheers to you and to your day

thanks for all the love and support; what an amazing group of people I know; what were the odds(?)

Death has been taken care of...

2005-11-08T23:53:00.000-05:00

So the fall is deeper than I thought. Which just sounds foolish, duh, but I can't help but feel like I was operating under a certain naivete about its depth or its ability to devastate. Or I thought that if I was a Christian I would never have to experience the depth of it. What did it mean to be saved, anyway? It was so easy to become hopeless, to stand in disbelief of God's goodness in light of so much darkness and death. Where was all the love that we were promised? This love that never fails? Is it failing currently? Some how I have known all along that the cross stands at the middle of this. Its the middle of the story, the turning point in this history we have been writing. I asked my friend Nate last night what the point of the cross is. What's the point of sticking around and believing in this mess if we are all just going to die anyway? He said "our bodies might stop working, but we never stop living." which for some reason was exactly what I needed to hear. I heard a great sermon on the Kingdom this last Sunday. This guy, Rick, from a church in Portland, Imago Dei, talked about the messiness and the kingdom and how God is growing flowers in all the crap. We call it hopeless, he calls it an opportunity for his Kingdom. Or something to that effect. I was also listening to an album about the kingdom, it has this one song that says basically when we choose not to curse the darkness and light a candle instead "That's a little stone, that's a little mortar; that's a little seed, that's a little water; in the hearts of the sons and daughters; this Kingdom's coming." I remembered that the kingdom isn't here completely, Jesus ushered it in, but its slow in coming fully. Its being built through us as we are all dying, toiling, and suffering(which doesn't sound like a good deal); but its not the end. That's the point of the cross. It doesn't end here. I mean we will have moments of peace, joy, laughter, awe, inspiration and raw life here, but mostly its the point that this isn't all there is. There is more, and better yet there is that moment when I will dance with my friend Marvin again, when I will look the ones I have loved in the eye as we are fully reconciled, I will know the joy of a Mom who is healthy. That's the point of the cross. Its hope...Its choosing to live in the reality of God, of the Kingdom, instead of in the reality of darkness and death. I can't live in the later anymore, because I know that this isn't all there is. I am too angry about it, I some how inherently know that this isn't the way its supposed to be.
Romans 5
"1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

~goodness I sound hopeful, I hope it sticks:)

None of us...rethought

2005-11-08T23:06:00.000-05:00

Death is so pervasive.
When my friend Marvin died this summer, it hit me so hard. I still don't know how to understand a reality with out him, but I don't have a choice, he is just gone and thats it.
I have lost two of the most important friendships of my life in the last three years. its the death of love, friendship, and tons of plans. Its just over and nothing will ever be the same between us.
They told me Mom was sick when I was seven or eight. They told me she would be gone in ten years. She is still here, but for how long? I am constantly giving up the idea that she will be around for any of the important moments of my life. I just don't plan on it.
Dreams have died, plans have changed, things that I thought I understood have turned out to be complete mysteries.
It just seems like everywhere I turn there is this natural pull toward death, decay, and an inescapable ending. Hope deteriorates from the inevitability of it. and I am angry, because there is nothing I can do about it. I can't save or salvage any of these things, people, or ideas. I am angry because the only one who could do anything is God, and He refuses to act in a way to prevent any of this. Angry and hopeless is not a good combination. And Love becomes a hard sell under these conditions.

Loss of Faith

2005-11-04T02:43:00.000-05:00

A loss of faith comes when God no longer seems predictable and sure. It comes when our heart desperately longs for him to change the outcome of a situation and he chooses not to act according to our best sense of what is good. It is when our healthy, beautiful child dies under the wheels of our car. Or when our happy, secure marriage crumbles. Or when the deep, God-given desire to have children dies with an emergency hysterectomy. Our heart aches for good things, legitimate desires. And when God refuses to act to keep those desires alive, we find that our faith falters. Sometimes it dies. When faith withers, so does our capacity to remember his redemption with awe and gratitude.
The result of lost faith is a refusal to remember, and therefore a loss of confidence and energy to tackle the daily ups and downs of life. To remain numb, to give up desire, and to refuse to dream is to surrender one's soul to the status quo. It is to live an utterly immanent life that is not drawn to the allure of transcendence. It is to live as a robot and merely survive. In turn, a loss of faith often leads to a distant, rule-bound relationship with God that does not stray but also does not desire. Life without faith becomes anemic and predictable, never sufficiently stirring to compel us to risk for the future.
When we lose faith we also feel powerless to change our future. To feel we have been merely a pawn in the past is to look to the future as no different than what we have already experienced. For that reason, a loss of faith always leads to a loss of hope.

~Dan Allender, The Healing Path

None of us are getting out of here alive you know

2005-11-02T02:24:00.000-05:00

As Christians, do we just never really die?
What is eternal life?
Is it now?
Is heaven here?
Am I in heaven already?
Are we continually bringing heaven here?
Why does it feel like hell so often?
What about entropy and ceasing of breath?
Why do some people die and not others?
Are some people more expendable?
Are some people more valuable in dying?
Why did Kyle Lake die on sunday?
Why did Marvin die this summer?
why?

A Theology of Word and Sound

2005-11-01T22:49:00.000-05:00

What is it about the musical experience that causes us to feel something so deeply?
Why do most people list their most spiritual experience as standing in a rock concert (specifically, a U2 show while they play "Where The Streets Have No Name")?
Why do we cry uncontrolably in a worship service when we swear we don't believe?
If there is a God why did God give us this ability to arrange words and sounds to create an experience that carries something?
What does it carry?

Who you are

2005-10-29T10:04:00.000-04:00

I thought I knew God really well. or I at least knew where to find God.
I knew what to expect and what to ask for. I knew that if I did this then God would do that. quid pro quo. But its not true, I don't know God, I don't know if I ever really did. I never know what God is doing. What the hell is God doing? I feel like God is a complete stranger now.

Who We Are Instead

2005-10-28T11:57:00.000-04:00

I thought I knew who I was. I was so certain of my place and all of me was contained in this certainty and this role. And He used that. He did great things through me; I think(?). But as all the certainty falls away, so do I. Who am I without my religion and subculture, certainty and church?

Man, the trouble is, we don't know who we are instead. ~ Jars of Clay

Pawn

2005-10-28T11:51:00.000-04:00

why on earth would we choose a life of continual death to an revealed God?
If we aren't promised anything that we want or desire, what do we get out of the deal?
If its not about us, then what is it about? and what is our role in it?
Are we simply part of a large God-Agenda?
What does the cross mean to me in the scope of this agenda?

Church

2005-10-28T11:49:00.000-04:00

Why am I going to seminary again?
What is the point of this building and all of these people?
Is it a social club where everyone has their own ministries?
And even if its really cool and postmodern, isn't sunday morning mostly about helping people to medicate their problems instead of deal with their issues?
What is the point of a gathering that you can slip in and out of unnoticed?
What are we really doing here?
What is Church?
Why am I going to seminary?

Tension is evidence that I'm alive

2005-10-28T11:48:00.000-04:00

Tension is evidence that I'm alive; able to respond to the good, the terrible, the movement of spirit. ~Sarah Masen Dark

The tension is here; between who you are and who you could be; between how it is and how it should be. I dare you to move. ~Jon Foreman, I Dare You To Move

Tension is living in the gap between certainty and uncertainty. We always begin with what we know and are irresistably drawn to what we don't know. We are inveterately curious. We are wired to grow, and all growth stretches us beyond our comfort level. Comfort is the absense of tension; growth requires a swim in murky, dangerous waters. We want adventure, but not without assurances that we will suffer no harm when we take risks. We want danger and excitement, but only as long as they come with a money back guarantee that everything will work out before the game is finished. ~Dan Allender, To Be Told

Nothing Is Sound

2005-10-27T14:14:00.000-04:00

i have been trying so hard for so long, and it doesn't work.
knowing, saying, doing, believing, marinating in all the right things.
but it doesn't work. I thought I could hold on to it, this certainty, but I can't, because it doesn't work and knowledge becomes arbitrary. There is nothing to stand on, nothing to tell me I am right and good and correct. Orthodoxy has failed. You cannot prove that God exists; you cannot prove that God doesn't exist. nothing is sound.