World With Out End

I wonder how many blogs exist for the sheer purpose of struggling with death. There are volumes written on the subject. And yet it seems as though we can't get to the bottom of it. I know I can't. We keep losing spouses, children, and parents to death. I see their inanimate bodies in caskets and wonder where they've gone. It's just a shell, it's not them. They have disappeared and I feel like I will never see them again. Heaven is so intangible, but it's the best we can do when talking about where they are now. I can't picture it, I can't fathom this place where they are supposedly alive and whole. How can they be? When my body is so material and alive. If they are really alive, what am I? This physical life, right here, right now, is all I know and I can't seem to wrap my head around the possibility of anything outside of it. I am afraid that we all will just cease to exist. I have been afraid that death is the end. The night my mom died in the ER, I called my friend Kevin whose specialty is Metaphysics and I asked him where my Mom is now. I just wanted him to tell me that while we are material beings, there is still a part of her that is still alive. But he refused to talk metaphysics with me. He just kept trying to get me to grieve the moment and to stop using my brain to avoid the pain. I didn't realize he had been doing that until recently.

Even though I want to just figure it all out in my head, to make it make sense, I am trying to let my heart be more involved. And when I do, this song makes sense:

"For all the deepest thought compiled, philosophy to laws of physics,
no one's ever heard or seen, a more beautiful thing, than this love that saved us.

In the soundless awe and wonder, words fall short to hope again.
How beautiful, how vast your love is, new forever, world without an end.

The very spark that burns the stars, drew near to me today,
the God of everything that is, whispered in my ear that His love is boundless."

I forgot how beautiful the gospel really is. The sheer magnitude of what has been done for us and the promise of what is to come. We are citizens of a kingdom that will never end. Death is not the end, it does not have the final word in the story. It is just the pause between now and then. The last time I listened to this song, I wept because of my own disability to believe what it was talking about. This song shuts me up. It makes me stop trying to rationalize and intellectualize all the things I can't understand. My words have been useless. It lifts my eyes out from the mud I have been walking in, to the vastly open skies and sunshine. Did I ever tell you that I used to be a worship leader at my church back home? I was, and I loved it. It's been a long time since I can say I have honestly worshiped. I think listening to this song today was the first time in 4 years.

"How beautiful, how vast your love is, new forever, world with out an end."

Positivity: my nose is half stuffed up

I am having one of those mornings where my nose is half stuffed, and slightly irritated on the left side. To the point of chronic sneezing. I am pretty sure that all of the pregnancy sinus stuff has messed me up for good. I mean this is like a permanent sinus infection....the rest of my life I will be blowing my nose and having trouble falling asleep. Because I need to breathe through my nose to fall asleep.

Silas just went to sleep. He was crying and fussing in his exersaucer so I thought he just wanted to be held. But no. He kept on crying and fussing so I took him in his room and rocked him, but the fussing would not stop. I finally needed to blow my nose (above paragraph), so I put him in his crib and went and did my business. Luckily, he seems to like his crib and his mobile. Unfortunately he had peed all over his swaddle blanket earlier this morning. So I just snuggled him up in a little classic pooh fluffy blanket and gave him his pacifier. Oh and his security blanket of course. And that seemed to do the trick. I walked out of sight and listened to him coo at his mobile and after a few short bursts of fussing, he put himself to sleep. Good baby. I hope all my children are this easy.

10 o'clock on a Saturday and all is well. I really should be getting a few things done. But it's nice to actually have time to write a bit. and not about something depressing or theological either.

I am not really celebrating Lent this year. Not because I don't want to, I just haven't been at church in weeks so I missed all the build up to it this year. I didn't want to be one of those people who gives something up just because there is a church tradition that says you are supposed to. I mean, I guess I could do that. Although, the last couple of years when I am not fully engaged with my church and I try to do lent, I never stick to it. I always find a convenient excuse. Like the year I tried to quit smoking for lent and then Mom died and I just chain smoked for the next 3 months. Oops, nothing depressing. Sorry.

Maybe that's my lent this year. Stop being so damn depressing. Or at least negative. I love to analyze the crap out of everything. I just had a conversation with my co-workers about this, how your attitude and emotions effect your physical health. I said I didn't want to become a crotchety old woman with ulcers who sits around and tells everyone what's wrong with the world. I prefer to think of my old years as peaceful and joyful, but I need to start practicing that now and not put it off. Like eating right and exercise, being positive is just a way of life, a life style. So, my lent is about adopting a positive outlook and making it a lifestyle. I limit myself to 1 negetive conversation per day (let's be realistic, there are just too many things to bitch about to rule out all negativity). The rest of 'em will be positive, grateful, and generally optimistic. My goal is to really piss someone off to the point where they distainfully say "you're one of those glass-is-half-full people aren't you?" Now that would be a real change.

Okay, I am now going to clean the apartment before Silas wakes up.

Heaven

"I want to add to the beauty, I want to tell a better Story..."

We all believe a story. About ourselves, God, business, the environment, culture. We actually encounter different stories with every commercial we see, every sermon we hear, every book we read, every podcast we listen to. There are as many stories as there are people to tell them. There are also predominant stories that shape our society and culture. The story that we have unlimited needs that can only be met by consumption, Corporations love to tell us that as many times per day as possible. YOU NEED THIS. or else your life will be boring, disorganized, miserable, a mess. And we believe these stories are true. We believe all kinds of stories. and We live them out.

Some stories conflict with others and some are easier to believe. It feels like there is more evidence to support one than the other. But just because a story is hard to believe, less attractive, or seems to have less evidence, doesn't mean it's not true or less true. Maybe these things mean that it's possibly more true, or more rewarding if we choose to believe anyway.

I know a story that's hard to believe, has little evidence, and, at first, seems less than attractive. But it's also beautiful and full of hope. I have been told that if you believe this story is true, it's the best possible way to live. It is the life you were meant to live, you were made for this.

but it's so hard...

Heaven is a nice story. but I struggle with death. Some how I have trouble understanding what happens after we die. I think we cease to exist. I guess deep down I don't believe that the story of heaven is true.

I've been told that we go somewhere else with lots of clouds, or limbo and wait for Jesus to come back. But that we are unaware of it and our death is the moment of our awakening in the new creation. I don't know how to believe that. All i know of death is that one moment you are here and then next you are gone and all that's left is your body, inanimate. And all your years of struggling to get things right and be fulfilled are finished. I don't have a sense of completion with death. I have a sense of incompletion, like it's been cut short.

In the movie Meet Joe Black, death comes to take a man who has lived a full, "successful" life. The movie does offer a sense of completion. His family will be taken care of, his life's work will be preserved. He has no regrets. But if life is so great, how can he be okay with leaving? I don't really understand how to let go of the things I love so easily. I love my life too much. Or I am at least terrified of not existing anymore.

I wonder where my mom is and what she knows now that I don't.

Backward

Some times, before you can go forward you have to go backward. All the way back to where you started this crazy journey; the journey away from whatever you thought was holding you back or out of whatever box you found yourself hiding in.

In October 2005 I found myself in a scary place built on a lot of assumptions about who I was, what the world was, and who God was within it. Worse yet, I had been fairly certain of where I was heading and how my life ideally would play out. In October 2005 all of that crumbled into a heaping pile of rubble around my feet. I was surrounded by a million unknowns and unanswered questions. My bold optimism and belief faltered and I cannot remember a time when the world seemed so cold, cavernous, and chaotic. I had no control and I was beginning to doubt that God did either.

Many people have participated in the drama that unfolded from that point on. I lost a lot of people physically and emotionally during that time. But I knew I had to go through this even if I lost everyone. So I struck out on my apathetic journey and found that a loss of faith ultimately leads to a loss of hope, which leads to death, either physically or spiritually. I died a spiritual death and have been dying in lots of ways ever since. But, as with all stories where Jesus is involved, Death leads to Resurrection. I have been waiting for Resurrection for a long time. and I still am...

I want to boldly and confidently claim that I have come full circle, and that I am once again standing firmly in a faith that has sustained me all along (even without me knowing it). I would be telling you a good story and probably something you want to hear. However, I find that after all this time and all this struggle, I am no closer to certainty and no closer to the optimism that sustained my faith before. The world changed some how and so did I. Understanding the gospel within that new context has been like walking through mud for me. But I am still walking through it because I can't help but hope that some day I will understand and I will see what all this mess was for.

It's almost October 2008, I am now married and I will be having a son on October 12th. I am hoping for a glimmer of resurrection in all these good things. I am hoping for hope to find me so that I can believe that things can be new again. I need hope to find me so that I can feel like things are possible again. I need to believe that He never let go even if I did.

David Crowder wrote on his album A Collision (or 3 +4 =7) concerning the song Soon...Be Lifted or Hope Rising:
“this song begins with a sample from a record entitled “‘let my people go’ black spirituals/african drums”. we have titled this sample, “soon...”. it is very old. it was recorded during an era where even sounding african american on an african american record was socially unacceptable. this record was an attempt at historic documentation of black spirituals but you listen and you hear these beautifully rich voices trying their utmost to sound sanitary and caucasian so as not to offend. early black spirituals and bluegrass music share much of the same content and context. most of it is eschatological in orientation, a longing for zion, getting out of here, on to the sweet by and by, etc.... i used to be troubled by this as much of my efforts in embodying the christian faith center on bringing the kingdom of heaven into the here and now rather than postponing it, until these songs were viewed against the backdrop of historical elements from which they were birthed. there was no experience of present life known other than oppression and death and fear and toil. there was no shred of hope for anything other than deliverance and deliverance into the ever after was a more realistic, tangible hope than was deliverance to come in the here and now flesh and blood and sweat of living. there was nothing here other than pain and it’s balm was hope and this hoping in a sense actually did bring the kingdom of god into the here and now. there are sometimes moments in life so full of fury the only residence of redemption to be found is in the lifting of our heads, with our feet still in the dirt of the earth, to fix our gaze on the heavens.”

Eyes on the skies....

Grow a pair

In several interaction that I have had recently (with men) it seems to be permissible that they can say whatever they want and when you try to give an honest rebuttal they make a joke in an effort to dodge the issue. If you try and direct them back to the issue they get defensive ("geez, I was just joking around, why do you have to take everything so seriously?"). I do believe that they are threatened and scared to proceed simply because they know what they said in the first place was wrong, unfounded, or illogical. The second scenario is when they take something you have said and begin their response with "You know what's funny?" from which they proceed to provide their poor argument through generalizations. Yeah, it's sooooo funny. And offensive.

All I have to say is "grow a pair". If you want to respond to something I have written then put it out there and stand by it. Be prepared to defend your argument, I won't just roll over when some one is responding to my thoughts. Don't hide behind "funny" generalizations; develop an opinion and learn how to express it from your own point of view. Half the time, I think people are just responding to things because they think it's an easy target for getting-off their brains. Mental masterbation. Well, news flash: you don't need to prove anything. If you are having a bad day or feel like crap about yourself, don't try and aleviate your pain by demeaning someone else. I think we should have grown out of that by now.

Here's a few tips on how to engage in an actual debate:
1. Acknowledge the other person's perspective on the subject (you don't need to agree or validate it, you do need to communicate that you were listening and understand what they are trying to say).
2. Don't start your response with "You know what's funny?" or "That's interesting...". All you need to say is, "Here's what I think..."
3. Don't make generalizations, if you want to express an opinion, you should be prepared to take responsibility for your own thoughts. Use the word "I", it's okay, you can express yourself.
4. If you are being sarcastic, it's pretty safe to assume that your position is not worth engagement. It's too difficult to offer a serious opinion to a person who is obviously not willing to take you or the subject seriously enough to treat it with straight forward thought.
5. Don't make assumptions. Or at least have the balls to name your assumptions.

and that's all I have to say about that right now. God, help me take my own advice.

Vows

Evidently some one really liked our wedding vows, and so at Kevin's request I am posting them here for you all to read. I guess we tried to cover our bases. I read a lot of different vows online before sitting down and writing these. The generic ones I read didn't seem to adequately capture our views on marriage and Jesus. Plus, we had done an exercise with our premarital counselor where we wrote down the things that were important to us in marriage. We blended our thoughts together and came up with these vows. I think my brother described them as intentional and thorough. Haha, whatever that means. I will leave that up to you to decipher.

John/Christi,
I love you for who you are and for all the ways that you show me Jesus in the world around us. I promise to show you love in the best way that I know how and to continue relearning what it means to lay down my life for you. I promise to lay down my ways, my desires, and my agenda so that you can experience the life that God intended for us to live. I promise to love you with respect, compassion and equality to make our marriage a picture of what God intended for creation and as an example of bringing heaven to earth. I promise to challenge you, empower you, and to help you grow to see yourself, God, and the world in new ways. I promise to be kind to you, to encourage you, and remain loyal to you no matter the circumstances. I promise to celebrate life with you and to live it well until we pass away or Jesus returns.

Giving Rocks Voices

I got married a few weeks ago and I am think I am finally starting to let things sink in. The decision to get married wasn't difficult at all, we were excited to start a new life together. And I am not even hinting that this has changed for me at all. I am still excited, I am still loving sharing everyday life with another person. Mostly, it comes down to my own deficiencies becoming obvious in this new context. I realize so much about my own ungrateful nature and how I tend to allow myself to feel victimized by circumstances. I am amazed everyday as I walk to my bus stop how easy it is to feel sorry for myself and the fact that I don't drive to work. I dwell on my sniffling nose, sore feet, and weighed down body. I obsess about how everything I eat gives me heart burn, even my vitamins, which you would think were supposed to make me feel better. I have a laundry list of physical and mental injustices that I suffer from daily. I feel so justified in being miserable about them. And yet, I am married and my mood effects my husband's mood. He is constantly trying to make me feel better, but he can't. These things are issues that can be solved. They are just facts, ailments, and inconveniences that simply ARE. Whether or not I make myself a victim of them is purely up to me. Making good attitude choices is hard for me. I am naturally pessimistic, and it's easy to give in rather than to intentionally direct myself. But when I see it effect another person, I start to see things a little differently. I notice more and more that all the things I call injustices are actually blessings. I would not feel like crap all the time if I wasn't pregnant, but pregnancy is such a blessing. There are so many women I know who can't get pregnant or are married to a guy who doesn't want kids yet. I think the bottom line for most of my issues is that there are people out there who would kill to have my life, and I treat it as though it's a tremendous burden. I am always looking to be some where other than where I am. Why can't I be happy with where I am at? Why is it so hard to accept the bad along with the good?

Could it be that our ability to have gratitude is tied to our relationship with God? When I forget to thank God for what he has done or when I forget to praise him, it shows up in my life in miserable ways. It's a heart condition. When I worship, I condition my heart, position it toward God. That conditioning and positioning influences the lens through which I view my world. In my silence toward God, I stifle my ability to acknowledge His goodness all around me, and I miss out on all the blessings because I can't see them for what they are. Good.